Ashlyn

Isn't it funny how you don't notice the frequency of a certain scenario until it pertains to you? Prior to becoming pregnant I never noticed how common twins were. Actually, it only really, really sank in after we lost Ashlyn and, recently, it seems that I'm surrounded my the mention of twins. Watching re-runs of Raymond, our waitress at Outback the other night saw JD and told us that she was pregnant with twins, every celebrity imaginable is having twins, we had a small cookout for a neighbor who is moving and her sister came over with her boy/girl twins, etc. The reminders just seem to be everywhere!

I know I don't write about Ashlyn very much. It's not because I'm trying to put it out of my mind. In fact, that's just not possible...even if the reminders weren't everywhere! Not a day goes by that I don't think about my little angel. After JD's bath I wonder if her hair would be curly too, I wonder if she would have the same pretty blue eyes... heck, I even wonder if they would be interacting with each other by now and fantasize about how much fun that would be! But it wasn't meant to be.

The reason I don't write about Ashlyn is because, until now, I just haven't had the strength. I told myself that once I got through delivery all would be OK. Well, I was kidding myself. I must have forgotten about the post partum hormones or something but, for a few weeks it was very tough. It's better now. I don't cry every time I think about her anymore. Sometimes I just smile to myself and go on about my day. Not every day is that good though... sometimes I still cry.

What upsets me the most is when people say things like "but you still have a beautiful baby!".... like it doesn't matter that we lost a child... at least we had another! Yes, we are tremendously blessed to have a healthy, thriving, beautiful son. And we love him way more than we ever thought we would. But that doesn't change the fact that we are still without our daughter. It also upsets me when people expect me to not talk about her. It's true, sometimes I don't like to talk about her but there are other times that I just want to. Sometimes when people meet JD they'll say "Oh! We have twin grandsons that are just a few months older than him!" to which I feel the need to respond "Actually, he's a twin. We lost his sister before she was born." Now, I would NEVER say that to the waitress who's just found out she's pregnant with twins.... no need to freak out a pregnant woman but sometimes, when it's not totally inappropriate I just need to let others know that JD has a sister! If it makes them uncomfortable, so what? It makes me feel better....

Anyhow, there are others that have chosen to acknowledge Ashlyn's presence in our lives and, for them, I am grateful. While I may not like to talk about her much these little gestures mean a great deal to me and I will always cherish them:

These first pictures are of a pendant my mom gave to me yesterday. The front is a cherub and the back is engraved with "Ashlyn 6-12-08". I now wear it on a silver chain, close to my heart.

This box is another that I hold very dear. A close friend of mine, who also has twin boys, gave this box to me before JD was born. She figured I had some things of Ashlyn's that might need a home. She was right! In this box are all of the sympathy cards that we received when she died, the tiny pink dress my mom bought for her the day we found out we were having a boy and a girl, the little pink T-shirt I bought for her down in St. Thomas just 2 weeks before we lost her and her birth and death certificates. Without this box I would have no idea what to do with these things. Now they are all in one place and I don't have to see that tiny pink dress every time I open JD's closet.

The picture below the box is Ashlyn's urn. We still have not done anything with the ashes but we have a plan. My grandparent's house is located right on the Pawleys Island Creek. I grew up playing in that creek and so did my dad! I'm sure JD will grow to love that spot as much as I do as we teach him how to swim and dig clams on the sandbar. We will spread Ashlyn's ashes in that creek one day... when the time is right. The other reason we want to spread her ashes there is because that creek flows out into the ocean and we like the idea of her being wherever we go.

So that's it. That's my post about Ashlyn. There won't be many more but please don't be surprised or uncomfortable if I happen to mention her in conversation...it really does help me some days. I just don't want her to ever be forgotten....